Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
