my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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