we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
