sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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