There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
