It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
