I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
