I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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