look no pants
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Did you pee in the oven last night??
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
