god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
