@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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