i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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