I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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