how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
