Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
