My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
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His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
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I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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