Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
