he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
