I think i peed on brittanys purse
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
