6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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