i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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