I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
