She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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