On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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