I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
