she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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