are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
