I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize