Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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