saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
