My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
