I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
