the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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