Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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