i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
