Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
