Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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