ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
