he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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