i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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