Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
