i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
