So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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