Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
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id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
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She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed