I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize