So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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