Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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