thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
