Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
