I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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