I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
