i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
