tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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