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i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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