You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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