Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
