I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
