I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
