Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
