For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
