I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
